Coulda, woulda, shoulda 5

There are a few different ways I could go with this. There’s a lot of things that could’ve happened, Vance could have not hung himself and we could have been the cutest couple. I could have died in 2012, or I could still be in my coma. Or even worser, I could be brain dead. The lights are on but nobody’s home. It’s kind of crazy, to think about all the things that could have happened. All of those things probably would have happened if I didn’t lose one of my best friends on January 1st, 2012; if I wasn’t such a fighter; if I didn’t really want to be here. Crazy, huh? Have you ever wondered what the world would be like if you never existed? Like never ever? I don’t say this to be miserable or depressing. I promise. I’m typically a happy person, like obnoxiously happy, I just wonder sometimes. I wonder how many of those things should have happened? I personally think that Brandon Michael Vance should not have offed himself. Sometimes, occasionally, rarely, I absentmindedly wonder if I should have died or ended up brain dead. I guess that’s why I’m that miracle girl. I don’t like other people thinking of me as “that miracle girl”, but then I realize that I’m probably the only one who ever thinks of myself like that. I probably should have died, then God wouldn’t have to deal with me being so cocky. I could be more humble, but, really, where’s the fun in that? But, at the end of the day, I realize I honestly should be more humble. I talk a big game about how I’m comin’ at you from the bottom, so my life can only go up from here, but what I think is the bottom, probably isn’t. So don’t get cocky, Kik. We all have our own struggles, my struggles don’t put me ahead of you. I needed to be physically hurt to get me to see and know all that I do now. Kind of like when I was having my second birthday party at the park by my great-grandpa’s house and my mom told me a hundred times not to touch the fire because it would burn me, but I needed to know for myself what “burn” meant so I grabbed the flame and guess what? It hurt. Others need to struggle mentally or emotionally. How we struggle doesn’t matter, it’s not a competition, all that matters is that we struggle, but we get through it. We keep on keepin on. 


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